On June 13th, it was the last day of school, a full moon, Friday the 13th and... our 5th wedding anniversary! Its hard to believe we've been married for 5 years already. I know it's cliche, but time goes by so fast. And, as time flew by, a lot of learning was going on. If I were to give advice to myself before marrying (or to any girl yet-to-be married), these are a few lessons I've learned.
1) Forget any ideas you have about being newlyweds. Yes, you love each other (you wouldn't be married if you didn't), but that first year is a tough one. I was really shocked when I found hubby and I arguing about everything! This is due to all the adjustment that has to happen. (Yes, even if you've lived together prior to tying the knot.) You are both adults that are used to having your own thoughts, making your own decisions, and doing whatever you want. But, now, our personalities are clashing, beliefs aren't quite mixing nicely, and decisions aren't matching up. But, you'll get through it. I feel the first year is tough because it's a test for those that won't last, and are easily frighten away by conflict.
2) You set the precedent of what is acceptable. The way you allow others to treat you, is what you are saying is acceptable. I received this gem of advice from my mother once. A long time ago, I was dating a guy that was fun and whom I really cared about. Yet, He was always leaving me home while he went to be with friends- never mixing the two. In fact, he even cancelled pans with me one year on New Year's Eve! I remember crying all night, and my mom giving me advice. She said, "If you don't want him to do this again, you can't let him think it's ok. If you don't say anything, he WILL do it again and again." Of course, I didn't follow that advice and I let him walk all over me. With any guy after that, I stood up or myself. I didn't tolerate this mean disrespect because it was unacceptable to me. If you don't want your guy to treat you wrong, put you last with his priorities, be inconsiderate- then don't allow it!
3) Discuss money often and BEFORE marrying. There is a reason they say money is the #1 cause of divorce- because it is! Money has been the biggest issue in our marriage. Basically, I spend and he refuses to. Our spending priorities are very different, and cause arguments all the time. Before you get married, talk about your spending, how do you see your lifestyle being once your married? What kind of saving will you do? What do each of consider a "big purchase", and when should the spouse be involved in the purchase? All of these things might seem little, but they can cause BIG problems down the line.
4) Be open and honest with your emotions and expectations. Please, stop playing the "I'm fine" game. Its stupid and very unhelpful. Just be honest and say "I'm passed because__________." Or, say if you're just crabby or PMSing (he can tell anyway). Let him know when you're mad, and let him know when you're happy. The more you're open and let him know what's up, the better he will be when it comes to reading your emotions in the future, and your communication will improve.
5) Learn to pick your battles. Trust me, not everything is worth the fight. Your hubby will annoy the shit out of you, but you have to be selective when picking a fight. Make sure it's worth it, and not just a stupid argument. Buying a car without consulting you? WORTH IT! Leaving clothes and towels on the floor of the bathroom? NOT! Feeling neglected? WORTH IT! Him spending all day out with his guy friends? NOT! Think about the long run when picking your battles.
Marriage is a journey, full of its highs and lows. You will hate him, you will love him. Those butterflies will fade, and will question your future. But, after you learn how to communicate better and come out of big fights and battles, those butterflies will be replaced by a true, deep love that comes from your heart. The wedding is just one day, but the journey is what makes your marriage true and lasting.
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